Moongazy

Talking to the Guardian yesterday about the mystical experiences that some people have, I came to the conclusion that they are great, but not essential to living an authentic life.  To me, living life from the heart and trying to be as genuine as possible is more important than just practising hard to acheive a ’state’.  It doesn’t mean that there is no point in meditating or doing practices to enhance yourself and your own experiences, just that your reasons for doing these things should be defined.

That then made me think of my own path.  This has been varied and I have learnt from many people and practices along the way, some useful, some enlightening and others downright dangerous!  I am happy with who I have become from all this experience , but sometimes I wonder if the journey would have been easier and possibly more successful, if I had found a teacher many years ago and followed one particular ‘truth’.

I have friends who have done this and they are wonderful people, well rounded, good at what they do and an insperation to others.  There have been times when I have worked with someone who has taught me a great deal and I learn every day from the people I meet, but I never feel right aligning myself to one set of rules or doctrines.  It is odd, because I love ceremony, bells and smells, and I believe that mantras and prayers that have been repeated over hundreds of years retain a magic and symbolism that gives them great power.  But .. I do not like being told what to do.

For me, the teachings should resonate from within and not be absorbed from outside.  I know we gravitate to those things which seem to blend with our own feelings and thoughts and can dismiss those that we don’t agree with, but, in the end, where does our own real truth come from except from that inner knowing.  We try various things throughout our lives and if we care and think about the life that we want to lead and the people we want to become I am sure that the stuff that is right for us will stay.

Someone told me once that I was giving my power away, bit by bit.  It was a small remark, but it made me think very hard.  I realised that I was trying progress in a way that I thought was good because it worked for a lot of other people.  I thought the reason it wasn’t working so well for me was because I didn’t try hard enough, even though I wasn’t totally comfortable with the whole thing.  I started to do more of what I did feel totally in tune with and changed my whole life.  I didn’t feel guilty about ‘not doing it right’ any more.

Hence my title ‘Call No Man Master’.  It is a book ‘in praise of teachers but wary of gurus’ about the life of a woman who studied under many of the great philosophers of the past century like Gurdjieff, Ouspensky, Pak Subuh and the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi.  In the end she felt that her own efforts worked the best for her spiritual development.  It is often the person sitting next to you on the bus who can teach you more from their example than any self proclaimed guru.  They are often more interesting and always a lot less expensive.

Last night I sat in the garden and watched the full moon dancing in and out of the clouds.  It always fascinates me.  There seems to be magic that you can almost touch, out there in the shadows.

It made me think of all the people who have done the same; sat and watched and wondered, all over the world and for thousands of years.  We are all searching for some magic and wonder in our lives, maybe it is as simple to find as spending a few minutes looking at the natural beauty in the world around us and being amazed.

Hi! This is my first time on a blog, after making comments on many others.  Maybe it is time to put my own thoughts on the world into the public domain.  Thank you to the Guardian for making this possible. 

I have been interested in the words of the Guardian, they are thoughtful, abrasive, incisive and deeply felt and they have made me think more carefully about what I really believe and the face that I show to the world.  Is it really what I am or just another illusion among the many masks that we put on in our lives?

My masks have been varied, daughter, wife, mother, friend and many others. I have in the past felt the gap between those titles and the ‘real’ me.  As I have become more aware of the split, I have tried harder to make the person I show to the whole world more authentic.  Has it worked or is it just another mask?  Perhaps writing my thoughts will help clear some of the illusions.

A quote from a recent Big issue edited by Jamie Catto and Duncan Bridgman www.1giantleap.tv says

‘If we dare to show ourselves in all our raw glory, and really express what is going on in the chaos and the shadows, then we have a chance to connect to something real in our audience.  Because when I talk about me, you’ll hear about you.

We need to collectively admit that we are not fine.  We’re not confident and balanced and good. …..We waste so much energy keeping up this mutual pretence for for each other because  we think if people saw the truth, …   all the crazy truth of our dark appetites and self loathing, then we’d get rejected.

But in fact, the opposite is true.  It’s when we dare to reveal the truth that we unwittingly give everyone else permission to do the same.  To stop holding their breath for a moment and to be here, present, vulnerable and authentic.’

I hope to be able to reveal my own truth, to be here, present, vulnerable and authentic.